Friendship is a universal human relationship. But what does friendship mean in a Christian context?
A Day to Celebrate Friendship
Did you know that August 2 was National Friendship Day?
National Friendship Day began in the greeting card business—even if I’ve never seen greeting cards for it. Apparently, the day developed staying power and was recognized in 1935 by the U.S. Congress, which designated the first Sunday in August as National Friendship Day.
The day is intended to encourage people to acknowledge those friends who have shaped their lives, to reestablish ties with friends whom they may have fallen out of touch with, and to recognize the value of that human connection that we call friendship.
It’s easy to become cynical about special days for certain elements of human life, but sometimes we need reminders. Friendship certainly is an integral part of human life. Aristotle saw friendship as essential to the “good life.”
But what is friendship? How do we define it?
Trying to Define Friendship
Aristotle offered his own definition in Nicomachean Ethics, where he wrote: “To be friends [the parties] must feel goodwill for each other, that is, wish each other’s good, and be aware of each other’s goodwill.” He also said that “a friend is a second self.”
That’s okay, but it seems a little overly philosophical for me.
C.S. Lewis, the Irish/British author who probably influenced me more than any other writer, wrote about friendship but I’m not certain that he was any better than Aristotle at defining it. He included a chapter on friendship in his book, “The Four Loves.”
Lewis writes that friendship developed among our earliest ancestors from companionship and some shared activity but involves something more. Lewis argues that “one or two or three who share something more will be our Friends.” He quotes Ralph Waldo Emerson, saying in friendship the question is: “’Do you see the same truth?’ Or at least: ‘Do you care about the same truth?’”
Frankly, it seems to me that Lewis was overthinking. We might agree with some people about certain truths without considering them friends. Likewise, we might disagree with our friends on certain issues without questioning the friendship as a whole. Yes, friendship is a form of love. But like other forms of love, it has an air of mystery and miracle around it.
Perhaps our faith can give us a more satisfying answer.
How is Friendship Described in Scripture?
Friendship grows out of companionship and shared activities, as Lewis and Emerson noted. Sometimes, it develops from happy associations. When my fraternity celebrated our 50th anniversary at John Carroll in 2023, a Jesuit priest who celebrated Mass for us called friendship “the eighth sacrament.”
Though the priest’s description might be more poetic than theological, friendship reveals something about God.
Scripture frequently celebrates friendship. In Ecclesiastes 4:9-11, we read: “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow, but woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up.” Proverbs 17:17 notes: “A friend loves at all times…”
That resonates with me. A friend is someone who’s there—not just when things are going well, but when they aren’t, too.
You hear of friendship growing among those who have served in combat, and people can develop bonds of loyalty, appreciation, and admiration from persevering through adversity together.
For example, Ulysses Grant wrote of his comrade General Tecumseh Sherman: “Grant stood by me when I was crazy, and I stood by him when he was drunk, and now we stand by each other always.” Though their wartime experience is not common for most of us, Grant’s words resonate nevertheless.
Friends stand together.
Perhaps that’s why Jesus’ words to His disciples the night before He died are so powerful. Knowing what was to come, Jesus said: “You are my friends.” Msgr. Donald Reagan, a liturgical composer, wrote a hymn by that title. When I interviewed Msgr. Reagan and he played that for me, I remember thinking: “Wow.”
Jesus became human to save us from our sins, but He came in friendship.
Talk about a friend being there for us.
Imitating Christ as a Friend
There are many ways that we can imitate Christ. Being a friend who is there is one way that many of us can relate to. Jesus also said: “No one has greater love than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” Generally, we are not called to literally sacrifice ourselves, but we are called to give of our lives.
When I was a young man, I had an opportunity to go on a trip to Hawaii at a bargain basement rate that even a reporter could afford. One of my best friends, Joe, had a sister in the Warren Junior Military Band, which was making the trip. The band was recruiting selected individuals to join them and secure a group rate, and I generously acquiesced. In addition to Joe and his sister, Joe’s mother, a wonderful woman, was also on the trip. We had such a good time.
The next year, my father died. Joe and his mother graciously came to the wake to express their condolences. “Boy,” Joe’s mother said to me. “We share good times but we share bad times, too.”
I can’t think of a better definition of friendship—with apologies to Aristotle and C.S. Lewis.
Jesus, who went off for solitude after John the Baptist died, who wept over the death of Lazarus, and who prayed with His disciples the night before His death, also shares our trials and our joys.
Jesus didn’t just tell us what friendship is. He showed us.
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