It’s a familiar heartache for many: the faith that you love so dearly comes up in conversation with children, grandchildren, family or friends who were once practicing Catholics.
Maybe they politely let you finish and then quickly change the subject. Maybe you detect a subtle eye roll. Or maybe they denounce you outright, straining already fragile familial bonds.
In any case, you’re at a loss. How could they close off their heart to the God, who loves them more than they’ll ever know? After years of taking the family to Sunday Mass, what went wrong? How can you help bring them home?
Unfortunately, this phenomenon is all too common, with data showing that nine in ten cradle Catholics leave the faith.
If this has happened to you, don’t despair! Instead, consider these tips on to have an honest, charitable initial conversation with someone who has left the faith.
Let them shoot straight with you.
Don’t start with a lecture on the importance of faith. If you want to market a product, you first need to determine your audience’s “pain points:” their wants and needs, their hurts and their fears.
The same is true with evangelizing our faith. Before anything else, you need to understand the person you’re talking to and what is behind their decision. Sincerely ask them why they no longer practice the faith or find it relevant. Maybe they don’t think they have time for Mass. Maybe they misunderstand or disagree with Church teachings on a controversial issue. Or maybe they have been wounded by the human hands of the Church.
Resist the urge to interrupt. Don’t contradict them or take a preachy tone. If they are willing to share with you, let them finish.
Once you’ve listened carefully, the next step is to respond with compassion.
Respond compassionately
No matter what they say, do not lose your cool. Look to Jesus’ interactions in the Gospels: whenever He met a sinner, He offered mercy and peace, not condemnation. He extends this to you and asks you to do the same to others.
Hear what they have to say and try to see things through their perspective.
Do they truly think they’re too busy for Mass and prayer? Ask what fills their days; perhaps you can take something off their plate so they have time to attend a service.
Do they take exception to a Church teaching? Ask which one, and why.
Then, if you can clearly articulate the Church’s stance on the issue, do so gently and kindly. However, if you’re unsure how to respond, ask if you can continue this conversation when you’re better informed.
Has the Church broken their heart? Treat this situation with the utmost care. Above all, consider it an honor if they share about this wound with you. Ask if you can connect them with professional resources who can help them begin a journey of healing.
Witness to your own faith
Once you’ve heard them out, ask if you can share what your faith means to you. If they are willing to hear you out, authentically share about your relationship with Jesus as a person. Who is He to you? Why does His love make a difference? This is a chance to be real and vulnerable. Share how you have encountered Him personally. However, it’s important not to begin this conversation until you have a concrete answer—this may require your own prayer and reflection.
Avoid statements that presuppose their beliefs, like: “It’s the right thing to do,” “because you’re supposed to,” or “because I don’t want to go to hell.”
These will not compel them to dialogue with you. Why? Because rules do not convert people—relationships do.
Rules do not convert people. Relationships do.
Leading with rules will get you nowhere. Don’t say, “Skipping Sunday Mass is a mortal sin that could lead you to hell.”
Instead, say, “God loves you so much that He misses you personally when you’re not at Sunday Mass. It matters to Him that you’re not there. He loves you so much that He needs you there.”
Rules are important, of course. They will follow—but faith must begin with a relationship with the Person of Jesus, knowing you’re loved and loving Him in return. Everything else stems from that.
Understand true freedom
We are blessed to enjoy tremendous freedom in our country, but freedom can be easily confused with license.
As Pope Saint John Paul II wisely said: “Freedom consists not in doing what we like, but in having the right to do what we ought.” Conversely, license permits one to do whatever they choose, whenever they choose to do it.
Mentally note if this person seems to confuse these two.
Often, people who leave the Church do so because they believe that the Church speaks to issues over which it has no authority. Or, they think, “I’m a good person as long as I am nice and don’t kill anyone. Jesus loves me and will forgive me.”
We serve a merciful God, but mercy must not be taken for granted.If they take offense that the Church does not offer them license, explain how its teachings don’t lead to repression, but to true freedom—from sin.
Give them to God
As you end an initial conversation, ask if you can pray together. Lead a prayer from the heart. Make sure it is not one of condemnation or guilt, saying, “God, bring this person back to Church.” Rather, reinforce God’s love, asking, “God, please show this person how deep your love for them is.” Tell this person you’re glad to talk about this again.
One conversation may not change anything, at least not right away. But remember that this person’s decision to leave the faith is not your fault. God has intentionally gifted each of us with free will to make their own choices. Culture is captivating, contemporary and cunning. You could never moderate all the voices they hear and which ones influence them most.
Personally commit to praying for this person daily. Give God the results of your efforts to use as He sees fit. His mercies and plans are beyond human comprehension. And above all, know that your willingness to make Him known and loved delights His Heart.
Find more news, events, and insights at The Catholic Echo.
